These past two weeks I have realized so much about myself through reading two books:

The Shack by William Young and What's so Amazing About Grace? by Phillip Yancey.

Convicting.

If you have any free time this summer, please please PLEASE read The Shack. It is mind-boggling, controversial (I want other peoples' opinions on God and the way He manifests Himself), and touching. I've always struggled with the concept of God's love for me; I grew up in a Christian home doing the "right" things all the time, so I think that I subconciously developed legalistic tendancies. Along with that, I have perfectionist tendancies, so to think that God just LOVED me...that He was head-over-heels in love with me....that He made Himself foolish in the eyes of men to love those who mocked Him...I couldn't grasp that. And two different people fight inside me: the proud, arrogant one who is "good", who doesn't want to accept that she is just as messed up as everyone else, and the timid, scared little girl who so desperately yearns for her Father's unconditional love but just can't believe its for her. The picture that the book painted was so poignant, so utterly packed with LOVE--pure, beautiful, patient love--that I could hardly stand it. But I'm praying constantly that He would LET me get that love, to relish it.

What's so Amazing About Grace? is another book that follows up on some of that love stuff. There was a quote that Yancey borrowed from Lewis Smedes that I loved: "Guilt was not my problem as I felt it. What I felt most was a glob of unworthiness that I could not tie down to any concrete sins I was guilty of. What i needed more than pardon was a sense that God accepted me, owned me, held me, affirmed me, and would never let go of me even if He was not too much impressed with what He had on His hands." Those words capture my feelings PERFECTLY! And the book is chock full of beautiful examples of His grace that I am trying to cling to.

More than that, however, that book opened my eyes to some of the harsh judgments I've been allowing my mind to form. For example, the author spent half a chapter on the subject of gay people. I was expecting him to say, "Love the gays, give grace, but know that it is a horrible sin." That's what I've always thought about it, you know? But I was hit with a harsh, gut-wrenching reality: I sin. They sin. They continually live in that sin...but so can I. And I realized that I have formed opinions of people off the way that they dress; they just want attention. But what right do I have to judge? Do I not have struggles, issues? Do I not sin? Could I be judging before knowing the story behind what I think is "wrong?" *Nods* Another quote (I'm paraphrasing here) from the book said something like, "the amount we love God is reflected in the amount of love we show to the person we love the least." Eek. So needless to say, I've got alot of loving to do...and to accept from Him.

Long story short...read the books!! They are awesome =D

I get a blog and then never update. *laughs* Whoops.

I have to praise God for a few things. When i wrote my last post, I was messed up over serving, not getting other jobs, etc. It's funny how when you finally just give it up and hand over your dreams to God, He changes things. I am now SO glad that I didn't get my other nanny job, because God gave me the perfect two jobs with kids that I already know. Plus, i get to play laser tag every Wednesday for FREE! *laughs* And by not getting that job, my time is open for serving! One more training and then I am officially a waitress. I love it.

College. Ahh?! In two months I will be living with a stranger, meeting more new people than i've met in my life, and perhaps working as an IT girl. (aka a computer fix-it person..which is hilarious in itself...considering i know nothing about computers =P) It's such an exciting prospect, though. For the longest time, I dreaded the thought of college. I liked my little bubble, my comfort. It was secure, safe, constant. But my heart was slowly changing during spring; now I am ready.

You know the feeling i've been missing? Beating boys in games. Love it. I used to play halo all the time, and i got this thrill from sniping or blowing up things...my manly side? Regardless, I play laser tag every Wednesday at Brunswick Zone now. ($10 for unlimited play!!!) And I was playing with a bunch of guys and beat them all....they were talking amongst themselves, trying to figure out who Blade was....then they turned to me with a suspicious look and asked, "were you blade?" *laughs* Sorry, that wasn't a brag-about-Katie moment. It was just one of those "*sigh* i'm content i love competition against cocky boys moments." But i'm really not that good. Just a good game. Anyways, ya'll should come play sometime, because it's AMAZING!

And this has been the most random post i've ever had. Also the worst grammatically...kind of threw that to the wind this time. I miss you guys...feel like i haven't seen anyone in a long time. Have a good week though =) Maybe see some of you on the weekend? no se.

*late night edit*

New phase of life. God, we need your help.

Preface: I'm sorry, but this will not be a funny first post. =P It's a transparent, "katie needed to write a conflict out" post.

Have you ever had a decision to make and prayed for God's will in your life while secretly hoping for one option over the other? 

I did. But His will isn't what I was hoping for at this moment. Honestly, I'm struggling. But He is sovereign. I asked Him for His best for me, and I have to trust that it is on the path He is leading me. 

I can just imagine when I asked Him to have His will done in my life. He scooped me up in His arms and began to walk with me. We traveled a straight path, and I was content. But as soon as we reached a fork in the road, I began to tug on His shirt, begging to go to the left. It was a highway that showcased billboards of ease, money, and security on each side of the road; nothing but dark woods and a small dirt path resided on the right.  He heard my fervent request but shook His head, directing us to the right.

As of right now, we are about to step over the threshold and enter that ominous forest.  I am terrified of the dark, worried about my safety, about how I will manage to emerge unscathed. But why do I forget that I am in the arms of my Father, the Lover of my soul? I am His child, so I have every right to bury my head in His chest and cling tightly to Him. I don't have to fear the darkness around me nor fret over which footpath to follow. I simply need to rest in His arms, listen to His voice sooth me, and praise Him as my Lord, Master, and Father.

*Smiles* I feel better after writing that. No matter if my hips never heal, if my promotion doesn't follow through, if I don't get the IT job at River Falls, if relationships don't work the way I want them to, and if I can't earn the money I think I need, He is still sovereign. Keep me accountable on that. Next time you talk to me ask me if I am still trusting in His faithful provision.

Matt 6....Do not worry...Phil 4....prayer, petition, and peace.